you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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