I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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