omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
