I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
