A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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