the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
