my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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