I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
