Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
