I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
