god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She's JV to your varsity
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
