I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
