The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
