Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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