Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
