Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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