who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
