hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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