I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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