My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
