omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
