I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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