after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
