true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
