So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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