why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
