At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
