look no pants
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
