dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
