what day is it and did you see me today?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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