I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!