This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.