you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?