Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
