new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
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i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
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if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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