I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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