I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
