i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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