I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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