dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
either way he was missing a nipple.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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