glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Redeem this text for a blowjob
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
