Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
