i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Randomize
