I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
