I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
