it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
