Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Pants are for mortals
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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