this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
