saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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