his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
