My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
