My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
