i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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