i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
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I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize