I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
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i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
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We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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