I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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