I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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