I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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