It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
