Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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